Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
God, you're like boner-b-gone
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
