Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
