Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
a search helicopter?!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
