that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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