is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
