i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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