You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
