Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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