this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
