i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
