I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
