I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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