I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
