So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
