I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
