I'd wear matching sweaters with you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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