Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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