So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
