dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
