Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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