As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
