I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
