how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
