I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize