Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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