I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
