It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
