omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
