but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Of course I have a pirate flag
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
