we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
