I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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