Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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