Apparently you make a good broom.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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