so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
