Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Come on in and take your pants off
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