If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
