I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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