How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
