if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I believe in your delicious
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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