how can u be prego again
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
