apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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