In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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