I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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