opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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