i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
