No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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