I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
