You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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