Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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