You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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