You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
