totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
