the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
