i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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