I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize