walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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