i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
