I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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