he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
