We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
