atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
