dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
