I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize