I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
