dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
