Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
