Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
