i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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