She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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