My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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