last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
