I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
